bukan skripsi namanya kalau....

siapa di antara kalian yang sedang mengerjakan skripsi atau tugas akhir?

hai, kita sedang bernasib sama. hanya saja, mungkin kita berada di tahapan yang berbeda. aku baru saja memulai perjalananku menuju berlembar lembar kertas tersebut. mungkin kalian sudah pada tahap pertengahan, atau sudah ada yang hendak mencapai garis finish.

sewaktu masih mengambil kelas kuliah, aku tak pernah berpikir bahwa mengerjakan skripsi seberat ini. susah, menghabiskan tenaga dan pikiran, menguras emosi, dan banyak rintangan lainnya. sekarang aku sudah menginjak semester 8, dan tidak ada progress yang berarti. sedikit merenung kenapa aku berlagak tidak memikirkan skripsi dari semester kemarin.

bukan maksud hati ingin cepat hengkang dari kampus, tapi orang tua sudah mulai memikirkan biaya jika aku terlalu lama berstatus mahasiswa. aku paham sekali akan pemikiran mereka, dan itu wajar. aku bukan satu-satunya anak yang harus mereka biayai. ah, sedih rasanya jika masih harus memberatkan mereka, di saat seharusnya aku sudah bisa hidup mandiri *tahan air mata*.


setelah melangkah sedikit demi sedikit, aku harus kembali mengulang dari awal. barulah kusadari kenapa kata revisi itu terasa menyakitkan. kalau revisi minor sih tidak apa apa. kalau revisi mayor dan harus merombak apa yang telah kita baca, renung dan tulis? it hurts deeply.. seriously. mengubah pola pikir itu jauh lebih sulit dari apa yang aku bayangkan. berkutat dengan permasalahan baru, dituntut untuk membaca lebih banyak referensi sementara tuntutan lulus semakin terasa, membuat kepala sukses berdenyut-denyut.

setelah sekian hari berusaha dan merenung, I got nothing. rasa frustasi muncul dari sudut kecil di hati, dan perlahan-lahan merenggut semangat yang tadinya berhasil dikibarkan kembali. di saat seperti ini, hal yang tepat untuk dilakukan adalah mencoba beralih kegiatan dan bercerita pada orang terdekat. it does make me feel better.

skripsi itu relatif. sangat bergantung kepada bagaimana dirimu, apa jurusanmu, bagaimana birokrasi di kampusmu, bagaimana pola dosenmu membimbingmu (I should admit that the last factor tends to be most influencing one). yap. menjustifikasi skripsi berarti membodohi diri sendiri. walaupun, aku tetap takjub dengan teman-teman seangkatan yang kemarin sudah wisuda. I admire their spirit and big will in doing this last-tiring-task-as-college-student. still, masih ada hal-hal yang bisa kamu ambil hikmahnya dari mereka yang telah berhasil menyelesaikan skripsi.

bukan skripsi namanya kalau nggak berjuang mati-matian. semangatlah bagi kita yang sedang mengerjakan skripsi!

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apa arti senyummu setiap kita berjumpa?
apa makna wajah meronamu saat kulihat dirimu menatapi diriku untuk sejenak?

masih ku ingat jemari tanganmu yang meraih jemari tanganku; canggung dan ragu.
biarlah aku berlebihan; hal itu masih terasa nyata hingga kini.
aku selalu berusaha mengatasi degup jantungku yang kencang dengan senyum, saat kamu mulai menatap mataku. pandanganmu teduh, nyaman seperti rumah; rasanya aku ditakdirkan untuk selalu ada di sana.

takkan pernah kulupa caramu mengacak-acak rambutku. bagaimana bisa aku tak mengenang sikap tubuhmu yang selalu melindungiku?

tanyanyamu tak pernah berlebih, namun jawabmu selalu mengatasi rasa ingin tahuku.

sayangnya teka-tekimu masih belum terjawab.

apakah aku sedang merindu cinta tanpa kata cinta?
yang aku tahu hanyalah, kamu hadir di sisiku dan aku merasa nyaman. bahagiaku meletup-letup, namun tertahan oleh sikap diammu. yang ada hanya menerka. jalan apa yang sedang kita lalui? ke mana kita akan melangkah?






.....
dan aku rindu.

kehilangan

kehilangan itu tidak pernah terasa mudah.

kehilangan akan sangat menyedihkan bagi orang yang selalu memikirkannya.
kehilangan (mungkin) akan lebih mudah dilalui bagi orang yang tidak memikirkannya.

jangan salahkan mereka yang memikirkan kehilangan; mungkin hati mereka terlalu lembut. mungkin kenangan akan hal tersebut masih terputar jelas di benak.

jangan salahkan mereka yang (memutuskan) tidak memikirkannya; ini adalah cara terbaik mereka untuk mengesampingkan kesedihan, dan mencegah air mata yang tumpah ruah.

karena sampai kapanpun, kehilangan tidak akan mendatangkan senyum murni; bagi yang merasakannya.

everybody is growing up

I realize that I'm already 21, and going to be 22. I'm not a teenager anymore.
so are my friends. I see my friends walk on the different way, eventually. I saw some of them already graduated. some of my friends already get married. the others have a stable and long term love relationship and they look very happy within. they find great job. and the rest already found their passion and they're doing it with its own way.
we're growing up. we're the man and the ladies. we make our own decision. we know what's the best for us.
so growing up it's not only about the age, but it's also about our choose; what we do and what we don't.

keep walking on your rainbow!

and it's so lovely to see us already know what we want, and we're making it.

the way He works

I know that God always gives the best for us, but I just don't understand the way He works.

let me give you an example about the thing in my mind. let's put it if I know someone who's smart, beautiful, kindhearted. I think when I saw this girl I imagined that she's gonna have a great campus life, great career and then the rest of her life is gonna be greater that she could ever imagined. I adore her, really. I always hoped that someday I could be like her; the way she treat other people was so friendly. I'm melted. what else do you got? she already got beauty, brain, and behavior.


I let you to see me on only one side thinking of her, because I don't really get into her life. you may say that I'm subjective because I adore her. but I write this by my perspective, don't I? (well you may not want to continue reading.. I'm sorry and thanks for coming).

I'm sorry because sounds like I'm judging but.. now I think that she didn't have chance as great as I think. I saw her live an ordinary life, no precious college, no precious job, and nothing extraordinary.. according to me. I'm kinda sad because I know that she's smart and she has some skills that could help her to go abroad, get many great experiences but.. what happened with all of her good point? sometimes I think it's just unfair. I don't mean that someone who's worse than her got all of that great things. no, that's not what I'm talking about. I wonder why she doesn't get that great things? what's wrong? I know that no one's perfect but for the God's sake, what things that she can't do? she's terrific. fascinating. and every time I think about it, I felt like I've been threw out. I had no idea.


but the good part of this is.. she's very happy. I see her beauty face smiles and laugh. that pretty girl that I saw couple years ago is still the same, but I can see that life changes her a lot. she may have a different way than what she had in that time. it hurts me, eventually. yeah I know that I give a damn about her doesn't even matter but.. I was hoping, adoring her, seeing she's gonna be someone who had the best damn thing in the world. but that didn't happen.

I know that everyone doesn't have the same chance. let me assume again, now she's not using her skills in her life; it's like she went to the different way than her skills can offer. still, I don't understand. why?

back to what I always bear in my mind, maybe it's the best way for her, according to God. He knows the best reason why these things had to be happened.

but I realize the saddest thing of this story is, I can't adore her anymore. she isn't the same girl that I adored. she's gone, far away. she left what she had behind, like those things mean nothing to her life now. it deeply hurts. but at least, she's happy. and it should be accepted.